The madness of a well-kept lawn, and the remarkable power of worms

Why The Earthworm isn’t just the most valuable inhabitant of your inbox, but of your garden too

Mar 22, 2022

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Nature doesn’t do straight lines. Nature doesn’t do right-angles. Nature doesn’t leave gaps between plants. Nature doesn’t prune or deadhead, it doesn’t clip and it certainly doesn’t mow (grazing mammals notwithstanding). So why is it that we obsessively do do these things in our gardens?

Historically, of course, gardening was a way of demonstrating some semblance of control over nature, an imposition of human order where there otherwise would be wilderness. The more precise one’s control, so the thinking went, the more impressive the garden.

These days, thank goodness, many of us have subscribed to a more naturalistic style of garden design. We deliberately select plants that will soften the hard edge of a patio or path; we look for labels that indicate that a plant is pollinator-friendly; we avoid using herbicides and pesticides and other horrible chemical kill-alls.

And yet: lawns. As someone who has been in a years-long stand-off with a gang of turf-digging foxes, I have given up on trying to keep our lawn looking pristine. It has reached the point where if I can tip the balance in favour of grass, moss and clover rather than the invincible carpet of creeping buttercup, then it can be considered a good year. Last year was not a good year.

But for many people, keeping a neat, trim lawn is the pinnacle of their gardening endeavours. This despite the fact that lawns are boggy when it rains, rock hard during drought, require an inordinate amount of maintenance almost all year round, are desolate monocultures with next to no benefit for wildlife and, almost by design, suffer from compaction (where all the air gets squeezed out of the soil, usually due to heavy footfall). And yet, and yet: lawns.

I mean, I get it, kind of. You can kick a ball around on a lawn. You can picnic on a lawn. You can go “camping” with the kids on a lawn. But what I don’t get, and won’t ever get, is how people can be so obsessed with maintaining their evergreen outdoor rugs, that they will spread chemicals on their turf to deter – or even kill – worms, because of the unsightly casts they deposit on the surface. (That’s little mounds of worm poop, for the more puerile among us).

A gardener taking up arms against worms is almost the textbook definition of madness. And in today’s edition of The Earthworm (which is not funded by or in any way affiliated with Big Worm), I will explain why.

Obviously I have a personal connection to earthworms. I mean, the clue is in the name. You can see my About page for some more info as to why this newsletter is called The Earthworm, but it has a lot to do with my earliest childhood memories of mucking about in the mud, and of prodding poor worms with the indelicate touch of an infant’s finger. It also has to do with a play on words: If a bookworm is someone who loves books, well then…

But most of all, this newsletter is called The Earthworm as a mark of respect. On the aforementioned About page you will find a quote from one Charles Darwin, who you’ll either know as the blasphemous quack who spouted all that heresy about evolution, or one of the most influential scientists and thinkers in the history of humankind. Here’s the quote:

“It may be doubted whether there are many other animals which have played so important a part in the history of the world, as have these lowly organised creatures.”

Darwin was big into worms. He studied them his entire life. And while he is understandably best known for his breakthrough work on evolution by natural selection, and his boy’s own adventures on the HMS Beagle, his observations of worms and their role as nature’s great recyclers were equally novel, if not quite as world-changing.

This lifetime of research culminated in his last scientific book, published just a few months before his death – the snappily titled ‘The Formation of Vegetable Mould Through the Action of Worms, with Observations on their Habits’. Or ‘Earthworms’ for short.

I won’t break down all of Darwin’s findings now, because we don’t have the time. And I haven’t read the book. What I will do is present you with some 100% true information about worms, which will not only help you to understand why I felt compelled to pay homage to them in the name of this newsletter, but also encourage you to look upon these slimy soil-dwellers in a new, hopefully more favourable light.

The great diggers

Plant roots need air, in order to breathe, to access water and nutrients and, most obviously, to grow and move through the soil. If your soil becomes compacted – ie, airless – roots will struggle to penetrate it, struggle to access food, and risk drowning as the ground becomes more susceptible to waterlogging. Enter the earthworm.

Through their tireless tunnelling, worms are constantly creating air pockets, improving drainage, and aiding the overall structure of the soil, all of which is essential for the success of our plants. The more worms you have in your earth, the less time you have to spend poking holes in the ground with your garden fork.

The great digesters

When you chuck mulch on your beds, like compost or well-rotted manure, you’re providing a fresh source of food for your plants. But how do the nutrients in the mulch, sitting on the surface of the soil, reach the roots? You guessed it!

One of Darwin’s evocative little nicknames for worms was “nature’s ploughs”. This is because they effectively turn the soil over, which they do by travelling to the surface, nipping hold of a bit of partially-decomposed organic matter, and dragging it down where the sun don’t shine. Here, they chomp on it and break it down (yes, poop it out), ultimately releasing nutrients into the soil and creating a veritable smorgasbord of plant-accessible minerals. Again, worms are looking out for your sore lower back, by saving you the effort of forking the mulch into the soil yourself.

The great defenders

OK, here comes the science bit. Worm poo contains an enzyme called chitinase, which has been shown to act as a powerful control against both pests and diseases.

Aphids, spider mites, ants and many more potential pests all get massively grossed out by chitinase-rich worm poo. They don’t want to go anywhere near the stuff. But it gets better: chitinase is absorbed into a plant’s leaves via the roots, which actually deters would-be munchers from doing damage to your precious plants.

And you know what, it gets even better: the chitinase that your plants have absorbed thanks to all that lovely worm poo also has the power to inhibit rotten diseases like powdery mildew. Worm poo: truly, is there anything it isn’t good for?

All of which can be summarised with this handy equation:

Earthworms = healthy soil = healthy plants = happy humans & wildlife

Which, as the mathematicians among you will have worked out, can be simplified to:

E=😊²

If you’ve made it this far, you may be interested in some more fun facts about worms:

Earthworms are hermaphrodites, which means they all have male and female sexual organs. When they make sweet lurve, both worms interlock both sets of sexual organs creating a slime tube (genuine technical term!), and – all being well – both produce lots of lovely wormy babies.

Earthworms travel fast: a big one can travel up to 73 metres per hour.

You can find up to a million earthworms in an acre of healthy soil.

Earthworms cannot regenerate if you cut them in half. What sort of monster would even contemplate such a thing? Put down the scissors!

Are you a fan of our wormy garden helpers? Where do earthworms rank on your list of Top 10 Most Favourite Garden Invertebrates? Has this article changed your feelings towards the humble worm? Let me know in the comments, or by hitting reply to this email.

The Earthworm